jcdelbarcoii

Tired: of this

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:25:53 GMT

I'm sick of having such a damn busy life. 30-35 hours between my jobs, classes, and other shit.

I can't keep up with any friends and I'm tired, but I can never seem to fall asleep.

Sigh.

Whatevs. I'm pretty happy actually. I had a fun week in San Fran with mom and sis. We met up with Crystal, Nikki, and Ashley and had a wild few days. Audrey's fake ID worked without a hitch!

A few days later i met up with Leigh and Ben in San Diego. We went to get tacos and beer in Ocean Beach, then to the IMAX theatre, then to a cute cafe, then to some neat house where we had wine and chats all night. Ben ended up having one to many wines... and vodkas... and ended up dying.

I'll miss him.

It was great meeting up with them. I've missed them. I felt... strange, like they woke a different part of my mind that I haven't used in a while.

I hate my job in LA. It's a waste of time. It pays great, but I'm so fucking lonely and bored and i hate the environment. I think it is starting to wear on my mental and emotional health. I'll quit, but I need to save money for the adult life.

Yay graduation. Im not ready. I don't want to work. I don't want to do anything.

I'm so fucking indifferent now. It's disgusting.

My eyes are fast shut.

-jcdelbarcoii

shadows + dust > Me.

Sat, 08 Mar 2008 07:14:02 GMT

I'm starting a new kind of blog. This one will be different.

http://shadowsplusdust.blogspot.com/

Read the first post for a disclaimer.

I'll still update this blog with all my emo crytown stuff.

check it out and spread the word!

-jcdelbarcoii

Spring Comes: to fester and to blossom

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 07:27:11 GMT

I've been pretty busy lately. I'n the last stretch of chapman, and i guess im excited. I have four classes which all require some extent of serious focus. I really enjoy the acting class I've been taking. It makes me miss acting. I get really nervous in that class. It made me kinda giggle at how self-conscious i've become over the past few years. i dont think its a bad thing, just kinda silly.

charlie and i have been messing around with music lately. We have a few loosely written songs and some other ideas that we're interested. i think we just wanna have stuff to play for a few hours at a cafe here. he is kat james' roommate here in orange, and i'm glad its not uncomfy to visit. its just an apartment with kind, close, healthy, and creative friends.

My apartment has been hosting these little family dinners on tuesday nights. there is a small group of us here that hang around the apartment, and its nice to set time aside.

mk and i got tickets to new york in june! im super excited. we will visit friends and hang out. im stoked. im excited to go on a trip with michaela too. i think she would be a great travel bud. maybe it could be kinda like the paris days! who knows. im simply ecstatic about the trip!

Between classes, two jobs, having weekly commitments, i dont really have much time for spontaneity anymore. i guess its ok, but i feel like i cant focus on people that i want to focus on sometimes.

it reminds me of that old blog wes wrote. its the one he wrote a while back that made me want to read his poems. the one about letting everything go, or pick up as much as you can and letting go of what falls through your arms.

i guess there are things i need to decide to let go of.

im trying to find out about optioning some ray bradbury rights for filmmaking. i like his short stories, so ive been reading some of them to see if there are any i think are feasible.

mk and i saw Persepolis on thursday. it was a really entertaining and well paced film. i recommend it. it was exciting to hear french as well!

i need to save money. money for travel, astronomy, and saving. im gonna start that this week.

mom and audrey and i are roadtrippin to san fran on the 15th. im super stoked!

ok. thats enough.

be great.

-jcdelbarocii

Updates: Have Dones and Haven't Dones

Sun, 17 Feb 2008 18:34:55 GMT

I really wish i could have gone to this:

http://sigur-ros.co.uk/tour/2008/20080126.php

It's been a more than decent semester. Classes are pretty good. I'm taking a math and a biology class, so those are a nice little change up to the mix.

I just bought animaniacs on dvd. it is so great. it's funnier now than it was then. The show has such a high production value. Between the amazing script, great voice over, full production score, and musical numbers, I'd say it's one of the best investments I've made in a while.

Also, is anybody into astronomy? I want to get into it as a hobby. Let's go star gazing. It will be cute and dangerous.

I bought Lupe Fiasco's album. It has 19 tracks. I think that is a bit too much for any album, but it is a good album nonetheless. I want to try to catch him and Kanye at the nokia center.

valentines was nice. michaelalala and i went out the night before to a nice italian spot in long beach. it was really nice, and i like doing nice things with her. effortlessly romantic.

we hung out on vday and ran a series of errands. I had to go to traffic school, and i was late for that, so i came home to covina and hung out with randy.

i bought a copy of his new Environments in Progress album

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=156053294

its great. ive been looking forward to it for a long time.

ive partied a little hard this weekend, and I'm still runnin. Friday i went out with the roommates to the fullerton bars. then i got rowdy in traffic school. then i decided to stick around and party at the nightclub after work. it was fun. i danced with some foreigners. language barriers are fun. im planning a Ballin night at the club sometime soon. let me know if interested.

i might have to re-edit something bear. these things happen.

im beginning to conduct interviews about falling out of love. im writing a script and i need to research. let me know if you are interested in a confidential interview. i have no psychiatric training, probably not even a good listener, but it could be fun. let me know @ jcdelbarcoii@gmail.com

ok. im going to the beach now. take care guys.

-jcdelbarcoii

Water: Running Rivers and Stagnant Puddles

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 20:24:40 GMT

I'm pretty desperate right now. I'm not sure for what though.

Something new. Something that makes me feel better about myself. You know what I mean, ya?

It's been a fun few days. Working, hanging out, same ol same ol.

The night club job is getting to be fun. My brother is a kind boss, and I feel that I'm getting closer to my uncles. I feel like I sold my soul. I spend my time there underground in a cold creepy office by myself for about 8 hours at a time. I run out of things to you tube and myspace. Feel free to stop by and visit in downtown LA if you ever want to get lunch or just keep me company and chat. The nightclub itself isn't really my cup of tea. It's a little too bootylicious and high class hip hop for me. There are hoes left and right, and I just can't quite get comfortable. I don't drink there, so I just wander around, and I stick out like a sore thumb. This grew to be fun though. I feel all VIP status. I just got my friend Mahyar a job there as a bartender, so I'm hoping we can hang out. I wish that friends were down to drive to downtown LA on a saturday night and put on some decent clothes so we can get swanky kanye west style for free. doesn't that seem like an offer that can't be beat?

speaking of kanye, I just bought his album (late i know), and it is so great. it makes me so happy. its just filled with some great tunes that aren't vulgar but just saucy enough to get the swank in your ear ringin. I also bought a hard copy of in rainbows. thats good too. i like having CD's. old fashioned, but i like album artwork, and I like tangibility. I'll be an analog soul running blind in a digital world.

when did everyone get so fucking old? nobody ever wants to do anything anymore. im 21, and i want to burn it up for all its worth. im on vacation right now, and it's been terrible. i don't have any good stories, just more regret. i'm not one for regret, so this is something i kinda can't swallow. i graduate in may, and I'm supposed to get a job and live a real life after that! i'm not ready for this shit. i was hoping for more adventures or something... anything... and not just partying. i dont even really like partying. we live in souther california. there is so much to be done. the world and youth have so much to exploit, lets take it for all its worth. 2008 sucks so far, i won't put up with it any longer.

ive been too indifferent these days. indifferent towards myself, people, ideas, music, movies, hopes, fears, everything. i gotta wake up and start caring.

i think im going to spend the next few days in orange. i have some business to take care of, and i'm gonna find stuff to do there.

prescott meeting this friday. i don think ill be able to go because of work, but i hope it goes well. ill send matthew a list of things i want to be discussed. he's a respectable figure.

i bought gangs of new york on widescreen dvd for 7 dollars yesterday at best buy. it was a bargain. thomas and i saw it. its relaly long, but its awesome. i want to be friends with daniel day lewis, and hope that he takes me under the the dragons wing and teaches me the ways of destroying those that get in your way with a simple glare. true blue. true blue.

after work on friday, im going to the club because there is going to be an alex grey live art benefit. Tool is going to be there, along with big time promoters for big raves and music fesitvals like coachella and what not. i hope i can chat with them a bit.

i went dancing with brittney and ashley last night. that was super fun. its been a while since ive gone dancing, and im glad i had good company. those girls can dance. granted ive only been 21 for a minute, i thought it was funny how 18+ clubs only have scene hair and flashy outfits going for them. bitches all look the same. being scene/hip is a good way for people to get away with looking like an idiot, but having other people still attracted to them. everyone wins.

go watch there will be blood. good acting, good score, good evil.

call me up for chattin or for hanging out. thanks guys.

-jcdelbarcoii

Underground: Cold and Alone

Sat, 29 Dec 2007 19:10:25 GMT

I'm at my second job right now. I'm doing office work at a club that my brother manages. I'm stuck in an office underground with not much warmth, low cell reception. There are a few rats because the building is so old. I like downtown LA, but could sure use some company or a blanket right now. I'll be here all day if you happen to read this and drop by in time.

This winter has been alot more mild than last winter. Some good friends are out of town, and my funds have been very limited lately.

Christmas was nice. Our family all gathered at grandma's house. Audrey and I pab, and she was pooped from work before, so she crashed. I hung out with my little cousins. They don't respect me much, but I guess I'm in no position to demand respect, especially from children. Michaela came by. That was nice. My family gives her a hard time, but all in good humor. It was nice.

I spent the next few days with my family. I had dinner with mk's family. That was fun. Her mother bought me a nice bottle of whiskey (half of which is already gone) for Christmas. It's things like these that reaffirm that I probably found a keeper... ha ha.

Sweeny Todd was bloody. Fun. Not too great. But fun. I like throat slittings. I also like the part on Braveheart where Mel Gibson comes into that one guy's room on a horse and then maces the guys skull in. So rad. I also like the new Rambo trailer. I really want to see AVP:R. It looks so intense. There is a frikin predator/alien hybrid!!! Anybody balls enough to watch it with me!?!

didn't think so...

I haven't been liking my schedule lately. I wake up too late, then i go to bed in the afternoon till about 10, then i go out and stay out too late.

Daveo took Chris, Crystal, Wes, and I to a neat bar in Silverlake. The had PBR on tap for 2.50 a pint. I met and chatted with Spike Jonez for a bit. That was a pretty big deal. He sas Where the Wild Things Are will be out in about a year. I got that straight from the source, so shut your mouths with rumor spreading.

Chase and I tattooed each other last week. That was alot of fun. Mine is healing up nicely. Chase left for Washington, I hope he will be back soon enough so I can see his tattoo.

I hung out with Kathryn yesterday. That was really nice. She is funny. Good friends at last. It's really nice getting to catch up with her when I can.

I was going to make fudge yesterday, but I didn't want to do it alone... that would have just been depressing and fattening.

Speaking of fattening, I can't stop throwing up. I've been vomitting at least once a day this entire week. I just feel really nauseated after i eat anything decently sized. I hope this passes soon. I'm sorry I threw up on your car Dave, it was embarassing. Someone remind me to schedule a doctor's appointment. There are some things that have been ailing me, and I've been really irresponsible and just ignoring them. I confuse most symptoms with depression... so everytime i feel dizzy or queezy, I just assume that my heart is breaking.

I'm going to a rave with Crystal, probably audrey, and MK and a few of her friends for new years. I guess i'm excited. I'm pretty sure that there are going to be points in the night where I feel uncomfortable or irritated and have a few mini panic attacks. I'm not looking forward to them, but they are inevitable in these situations. I hope to have fun. I also hope that I don't burn out of fuel before then. I've been busy, and I haven't been sleeping much.

I'm hanging out with MK tomorrow morning. That should be nice.

Audrey lost her cell phone this week. It really pisses me off. I keep on wanting to call her on the way home to see if she has plans... but i just have to wait till i get home to ask... and half the time she's not even there! She's too hip, man.

I want more tattoos, black eyes, facial hair, scars, heartscars, bad memories, regrets, and fun stories. Help me out.

NEW IDEAS:
handmade teddy bears
a script about falling out of love
a script about a boy getting the sun back from a bitter bear
music video for alexipharmic (myspace.com/alexipharmic)
making more money so i can buy a nice camera to make shorts with.

seeds are planted. gotta sit on them and make them bloom.

I'm bored, feel free to call.

-jcdelbarcoii

Premiere: Film and Family

Sat, 15 Dec 2007 21:14:51 GMT

Finals week as lame.

Wednesday, I picked Crystal up from the airport. She was going to stay with me for a few days. Seeing her was a sight for sore eyes. Very refreshing. That night, Audrey, Michaela, Miranda (michaela's friend), and Crystal and I went and saw Bjork at the Nokia Theatre. We pab right before, and it was fun. Audrey and Crystal are hilarious. We got there just in time for the opener, Ratatat. They are really boring, and I don't care to see them live ever again.

Bjork was incredible. Absolutely incredible. Her songs and presense tapped into something real, something so alive. There was passion in the air, hot blood in our veins, and stars in our eyes. The lights and sounds were great. It was a good concert.

The next day, Laura and I started working our asses off to finish our movie. Our Movie. I feel like Laura and I had a child together. We finished the movie 2 hours before the premiere. No sleep. I felt bad for not getting to spend more time with crystal. She hung out with some of my coworkers, good crowd. She liked them, and she's a good friend and understood I was under the gun.

The movie was finally finished. Audio design, editing, credits, music, color correction, D5 transfer... done. We had something to show.

Thank you to my friends that helped me on the project, and thank you to my friends that went out of their way for the premiere. It was all I lived for this past semester, so the support really means alot. If you didn't come, I don't really want to be friends anymore. Jk man, we can watch it on dvd and get dinner or something.

We dressed up nicely, and got an entire row for the P.Scott Crew. When my film came on, and the Prescott logo came on screen, we went wild. It was awesome. We worked hard on it, and we had a blast watching it. I got alot of good feedback. You will have to judge for yourself.

My semester is done. It was a really difficult one. I learned alot. I think I need to reevaluate my priorities. I spend most of the semester unmotivated, but finishing the film put a spark back into me. I feel awake again. I need to find things that will help me feel awake, not just comfortable.

21 has been fun, but I don't think I like drinking very much anymore. I really like going to bars and hanging out, but my liver hurts. People just like taking me out for bday drinks, and I feel rude for saying no. It feels like I inadvertingly became an alcoholic out of courtesy towards others' generosity. Eitherway, I'm having a blast. Thank you to all who have had a nice chat and a drink with me.

I am in a good place. My eyes are open, my lungs are full, and my blood is pumping. I'm still young.

Thank you friends and family. Let's make this winter a great one. Chase Grebb has some good ideas, and I say we follow. Let's celebrate winter.

-jcdelbarcoii

Color Changes: Leaves and Liver

Thu, 29 Nov 2007 20:06:37 GMT

It was a good weekend. A much needed weekend. I was glad to spend so much time with family and friends.

I showed a rough cut of "Something Bear" to a few people over the weekend. It seemed to get good reactions, which was an amazing relief for me. I can't get tired of watching what we have so far. I'm glad Randy, Wes, Chase, Ariel, Tiffany, and Jon all did an amazing job. The film has a nice cute feeling to it. Tony is going to make the music for the film. After watching it and talking about it, He showed me an Orem song he just recorded a few weeks back called "Sleeping Bear". I think it was a fortunate coincidence, because the cadence of the song pairs well with the film. We discussed him recording around 5 different mood variations of the song to use throughout the film. I hope that the film will be a prescott masterpiece. So many of us put our hard work into it.

MARK YOUR CALANDERS FOR THE PREMIER:
FRIDAY DEC 14TH, 6PM. Folino Theatre at the Chapman Film School in orange. It's free.

I had work friday night. After work I had to go to Tiff's apartment to pick up a key. She invited me in and introduced me into a very kind friend of hers. We had wine, smokes, chats, and fiddled around with instruments. Her cat was in heat and kept on eyeing me. At midnight, I walked on over to a bar alone to buy my first drink at 21. It was nice. I had a wretched birthday shot from the bartender, and a few whiskey sours. I was in a good place. I am glad I can do these things alone. Some say it sounds sad, but I guess happiness isn't really a universal sentiment.

I had work from 6am-10am. I got off work and rushed home to covina to meet MK for breakfast. She got held up at the dealership and ended up being 3 hours late. It was just fine, because I got to take a nap and read and sit at home with my family. She came and took me out to lunch. She then left back to Long Beach. I wish I could have seen alot more of her that day. I was a little sad about that.

Later, Randy and I got ready and left to meet my father at the Bonaventure to check into our hotel rooms on the 25th floor overlooking downtown LA. it was a very nice luxury suite. We were classy. We got a nice dinner and had some cocktails. My father is the best man I know. I should be able to hate him, but I never will.

We then went to the nightclub and had a crazy evening. The VIP room was sweet. We were playin our ipods and had free bottle service and smoking balconies. We were the life. If you didn't come, you missed out. Dancing, drinking, good company, and good vibes. It was fun.

I then had a bit too much to drink (thanks to my roommate), and had to be carried back to the hotel, where I made a fool out of myself. I feel bad for being rude in front of Michaela. She was a little dissappointed, but I apologized and she was ok. I guess this could be our first "fight". There was friction, but I think we dealt with it nicely. I respect her alot.

My wonderful sister got me an IPOD!!! I'm excited about it and can't stop listening to music. I feel very isolated though.

I'm glad that the seeds that we all planted for the Prescott Family a few years ago have taken a strong root and are blooming into a wide array of productions. Poetry, writings, music, movies, blogs, art, parties, friendships, ANYTHING. Finally, I feel like we have a home. A place to belong. I think this is why it is a Prescott FAMILY... because we indeed function like one.

Cheers siblings, I am thankful for you.

-jcdelbarcoii

November to November: Dying/Living

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 07:56:27 GMT

It's been a wild year.

Alot of this year hasn't been sober.

Alot of this year has been spent alone.

I've sailed seas, I seen skies, I've studied history, I've ruined lives.
I've tasted love, I've drowned in hate.

20 did it's work on me, and i will never be the same.

21 soon. then i melt.

I've been reaching reaching reaching, blind blind blind, but i think i've been found.

i've done alot, i've made alot...

but i have lost the motivation to do anything.

i just want to burn.

don't worry... i mean this in a good light.

im really happy.

im really happy.

im wasted... and really happy.

thank you for this year.

-jcdelbarcoii

Wednesday: as good as any other

Wed, 14 Nov 2007 23:38:13 GMT

im finally catching up with school and life.
im resting, im watching movies, im making music, all the things i shouldn't put on the back burner.
Something Bear took alot out of me, but it was more than worth it. the footage looks great. we have a rough cut. i like it, but it still needs some tweeking.

im trying to quit smoking. i dont really have a good reason to quit... but i figured it was worth a try. whatever.

i need to go to covina more. i want to hang out more. this semester should be letting up really soon, so i think i want to focus on making music back home.

im almost done with school, and i dont know what i will do next year. im sure it will work out.

i got a surprise visit from my parents last night. it was humiliating haha. mom kept on dropping awkward comments around michaela and i, but it was funny.

mk and i made a great dinner last night, and we watched beauty and the beast.
she's great. as obnoxious as i am, she puts me in my place with a kind grace. haha. i enjoy the time i spend with her very much.

ive been unmotivated towards school lately.
i dont know why... i just... want to do my own thing now.

my serve in tennis is getting pretty brutal.

i dont know if i like living in my apartment anymore. it doesnt feel like a home, and i can't get comfortable around either of my roommates, because frankly, they are both prideful dicks. i'm starting to feel like im being taken advantage of or soemthing. im sure im blowing it out of proportion, but i cant deny that i feel like they dont care about the apartment, or about me going out of my way to help them with their schoolwork or lending out my car. i guess it would just be nice if they showed some form of thanks, or reciprocated it somehow.

i saw wristcutters. that was ok.

ive been working on another film shoot. thats been fun i guess.

i feel like girls have a guy-has-a-gf radar. ever since mk and i decided to seal the deal, i've been getting hit on alot. girls keep on asking about her too. its really funny. i like bragging. i like being her's. i can say that with pride.

anthony is pissed at kinkos right now.

this blog had no point, i just felt detached so i decided to share.

im ok.

-jcdelbarcoii

Costumes: Something Bear and Brown House

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 23:09:19 GMT

The production went well. It was very stressful, but fun. The crew saved my ass. There was such a good attitude all around. I felt safe and comfortable.

Wes, Ariel, Chase, Randy, Jon, and Tiffany did an amazing job. I was surprised by how well they delivered all the right emotions and tensions.

I feel like I've developed a sort of kinship to Wes. Working with him on set, I don't know. There is a good bond there. It was great working with my friends, my favorite people. Thank you guys. You're home to me.

Michaela brought the ambiance to life. Her production design was pretty rad. It was nice having her on set. We didn't talk much because we were both so busy, but it was nice when I could get just a minute in with her here and there.

The costumes looked great. Mandy is amazing. I'll get pictures up soon.

We are going to start editing this weekend. It premieres Dec 14th. I'll keep you updated.

Saturday night, as tired as we were, Wes and I went to the Good Life show. It was nice, but i was tired. going home and seeing friends was a nice little break.

Sunday we wrapped. I was dead tired.
Monday, i turned equipment back in, and went to work. I was really out of it because I p.a.b. right before, but it was fun.
Tuesday, I went to hollywood with thomas to try and get some sigur ros tickets. We were unsuccessful, but we had a great time and ate at roscoe's chicken and waffles. I wish i was black.

After winding down, I spent the night with MK, we watched this awesome icelandic music documentary that i had just bought. She discovered my obsession with iceland, and i think she thought it was silly. Everybody has their obsessions, and i'm glad she got to discover one of mine.

last night was soooooo fun!

Hellaween! @ the brown house! there were soooooooo many people.
prescott extravaganza! great costume turn out, great company, everything about it was so fun. I thought mike's costume was hilarious. I dressed up as red: the color. Ariel dressed up like a swimming pool, but i think i was a bit hungry and i thought she looked like an appetizer. im glad i didnt bite her. MK was wild. I think that is the best way to describe her costume. Wild.

After the party MK and I went to the donut man, then to my house and hung out with audrey for a while. it was a great night.

I've been in a good mood all day. I rocked ass at tennis, and the air is nice, and my heart is singing.

November is my month, and I think it will be good this year. I hope it will be great for all of you too.

-jcdelbarcoii

Fire in the Horizons: Relationships and Projects

Thu, 25 Oct 2007 17:36:02 GMT

Ive had a wild past few days.

The weekend was great. Cursive, The Go! Team, black eye, good company, everything.

I rehearsed with my actors (Randy, Wes, Ariel, Jon, and Chase) Saturday morning. That was so much fun. Chase decided to method act, which resulted in us drinking beers at 11 am. He ended up pretty drunk. I a recall, he told me he pulled off being drunk 3 times that day. Some would be worried, but I can't help but simply being impressed.

It was good seeing Tammy over the weekend. Good fun.

I got really sick, and then the hellfire made it all worse. I was really sick this week, but I'm just about back up to speed. Just in time for my film shoot.

Mandie had to drop out of the film, but luckily, my manager Tiffany is going to replace her. I have great confidence in Tiff. It should go well.

I have a girlfriend now. Michaela and I had a brief "whats going on" chat, and we decided that we were indeed in a relationship. I thought this would be a bad move on my part, and that I would freak out, or behave differently, but everything is great. I feel so comfortable around her, and I think I've developed a reasonable sense of trust with her. Her touch is very healing. No matter how tired, stressed, or ill I've been feeling, a simple smile or kiss from her refreshes me tenfold. I like it. I like her. I am happy and confident that this is a good thing.

Last night Audrey, Ben, Randy, Ryan, MK, and I all went to go see Mum. It was one of the best shows I have ever seen. There was such a lively and adorable energy on the stage that just made you want to wiggle like a child in your seat (i did). They played nearly the entire new album (which is great, be sure to pick it up), and 3 old songs. I am a bit disappointed that they didn't play anything off of Finally We Are No One... that's always been my favorite album, and has some songs that are very close to my heart, so it would have been nice if they played a little Green Grass or K/Half Noise. Eitherway, the set was incredible and sounded great.

I have all sorts of shit I need to take care of today, and I'm still sitting here in my underpants. I have errands and meetings and work and equipment pickups and no pickup truck ALL AT THE SAME TIME. How will I do it this time?

I will most def jcdelbarcoii my way through this. (For those of you that dont know me well, that very much could sound like a cool thing... implying that i gracefully careene through my challenges... but if you ask those that DO know me well, it probably implies some crying, vomiting, having an existential crisis, and breaking something.)

Well, wish me luck this weekend with the film shoot. I hope you are all well.

-jcdelbarcoii

ps. if you want to be added to my preferred list, just ask. dont be shy, im making most entries kinda private because there are a few people i have to skip around, not that I have much to hide, just that... well shit... theyre really honest and uncensored.

Orange: Bursting & Blindfolded

Fri, 12 Oct 2007 00:36:28 GMT

My life has been good recently. I have been more than busy between a few film projects, work, studying, resting, and simple fun. Though i feel tired all the time, I am enjoying myself greatly.

My job at Lucca is alot of fun. I like the atmosphere and coworkers.

My film is coming along great. The crew consists of alot of my good pals here at chapman, and the cast is even greater. Mandie is making the costumes, and I am more than glad for that. I hope that the film will be fun, and that the final product has a good voice, a voice i would stand behind.

My roommates are two silly guys. I am a bit irritated that they have done shit in terms of the public sector of our apartment. I just wish that they would decorate or something. whatever. i bought fish, and two of them died. Spaghetti is the only survivor, which is good because i liked him the best. anthony and darren are two of the coolest dudes i have ever met. seriously a fun time.

i've come to trust michaela greatly. it's a good thing. i am very happy. i find myself thinking about her alot, and furthermore, smiling inside and out at the thoughts. just a simple text message or a hug in passing is enough to refresh me. she's great.

now for the shit under the surface:

i miss my family. i want to come home all the time. last saturday was one of the best nights ever. just being home with audrey. it was so great, so needed.
my dad will be leaving soon, and the truth is starting to weigh on me.

i feel completely isolated while im at chapman (save thomas, thank you greatly).

i've been having these feelings that i haven't had in about a year. in the evenings, every night, i start to panic. i feel stifled. i feel hot and smothered. i feel like shouting it out letting someone hear it all...

just i dont know what i would say. i feel like im bursting, like i have so much to get out, so much good things to share, so many bad things to vent, and no hearts for them to fall upon.

i think i've lied to myself. i don't think i am capable of being alone. i think i just got used to it. this is ok. i guess i just want someone to look right through me. read me like a childrens book. i dont make any sense to myself, so i dont know what to talk to others about.

i sit there and reach and reach inot something i cant see. i cant deal with stress. film.class.exhaustion.isolation.my father.alcoholism.missing. every night these feelings take their toll, and i drive in my car, i chain smoke, i listen to music, and i cry. it's become a habit.

these feelings are all gone by the morning.

its a good life.
we cant hate our forefathers.
there is the same blood in our veins for a reason.
we have hearts and ears for a reason.
my eyes need to look outward, not in.
i think im ready to help someone.
i think im ready to have someone count on me.
i think ill change my mind about the last two statements by tomorrow.
its a good life.
i think i can honestly say that i genuinely love many of you.
i'm tired of thinking.
it's a good life.

-jcdelbarcoii

two skies: both of them lacking the same thing

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 06:14:28 GMT

my life is perfect.

something is wrong.

-everyman

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 06:28:01 GMT

something

is seriously

wrong

inside of me.

Adaptation: Reaping and Burning

Wed, 05 Sep 2007 06:47:48 GMT

orange has been good to me these past few weeks.

i like my roomates. i like my place.

films class started up quickly. im already busy for the rest of the semester with shoots.

im making a movie soon. ill let you know how it goes.

i got a new job at a cafe with some neat people. i got drunk at street fair and i sold gelato to people that were probably just as drunk as i was.

ive been spending time with michaela alot lately. its nice. i was scared that paris would be a main ingredient in enjoying her company, but im glad to find that it isnt.

everything is going well.

almost everything.

its just around these hours where i start to crumble for about 15 minutes.

i start missing yesterdays. dont really have anyone to talk to here i realized. more than enough people to enjoy, just no one to talk to.

visits from wes, dave, and audrey keep me refreshed.

but these 1130pm moments make me hiccup.

i realized this was an issue when everytime these feelings surface seep through, i get bummed that i dont smoke cigarettes anymore, nobody smokes out over here, and that I can't just always reach for a drink when i panic.

im glad i caught the signs of an issue at the early stages. i dont think i will have a problem.

on a lighter note, i bought "me and you and everyone we know".

that movie sings out to me. i do indeed, want to tell stories.

with you guys.

there is so much to say. so much to get out. so much to share. so many things to connect. so much to fall in love with. so much to touch.

do you guys know what i am talking about? im sure you do.

i wish there were people here that understood these things along with me.

i want to stand alone,
but i want to get close.

-jcdelbarcoii

Summer Made Good: New Horizons

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 05:37:56 GMT

My summer is coming to an end.

It has been an amazing summer. I've felt really alive.

Thank you for the good company.

I'm moving to Orange tonight. I like my apartment and roommates very much. Hopefully the city will have more to offer me this time around.

I really hope you guys are willing to visit me. It's just thirty gaddamn minutes. I'll cook you dinner and play your favorite movie.

I am a little sad, yeah. It has been a really good chapter in my life. Moving on to the next. Something tells me I'm going to fuck up big time. There is feeling of pending doom inside of me. I feel like things are going to go wrong over the next few weeks. For the first time in a long time, I feel a little nervous.

I better start kickin the shit out of life again.

Again,
Thank you.
Adriana, Arthur, Mom, Dad, Faraaz, Randy, Wesley, Justin, Chris, Chase, Ben, Andy, Jon, Matthew, Tammy, Ashley, Kathryn, Daveo, im tired of typing but you kids know who you are.

Much love.
Much Love.

-jcdelbarcoii

Unexpected Seeds: Sprout!

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 18:40:32 GMT

Unexpected Seeds: Sprout! its been a good few days.
rush hour 3 premiere with chase, writing songs and showing them to randy, going to visit charlie and playing guitars and watching great videos... just alot of the little hang outs and bits have been great.

friday night, chase, ben, randy, and i went to the covina crafts market and talked to christians. i bought a ring that this old man made, but i broke it a day later. whoops.

saturday we went to a dublab event at the farmlab. its under a bridge next to a few art galleries along the LA river. it was awesome. very cozy and intimate. well lit. projections everywhere, artwork, ambient dj stuff. i chatted with jimmy tamborello from dntel/figurine/postalservice. it was great when he knew who i was after i gave my name. a good feeling. a nice fun chat. a good night with randy, wes, chris, audrey, tammy, sabrina, jon, and justin. i was really high, so i didnt really talk to anyone much. i was just soaking it in. a wonderful night all in all.

sunday... i... hmmm.... ! audrey and i spent the day shopping for arthur's bday. we got him a nice outfit. i picked up a really super ghetto pair of shoes. theyre high top pumas in black with silver stripes. theyre really cool. i think i should play basketball now.

monday i had work. after work i went to an old friend jack's house. he had a nice home. i liked his 3 month old kitten and his roommates 3 month old pug. really cute. we listened to some good shoegaze. i then came home and spend time with audrey, tammy, randy, and wes. we had some drinks and watched some shorts. great company. ill never tire of them. wes was pretty drunk and smoked a cigarette in the back yard by moms open window. she was mad, but it was really funny. i love that man.

tuesday i didnt have to go to work. i was glad for that. we lit a cake for my brother, and gave him gifts. he liked them. i like my family. great company. mom left for work, and audrey and i went to pick up ashley. i havent seen her in a few weeks, and i enjoy her company all the time. a younger sister in the fullest.

we drove to the local tattoo/piercing parlor and i got my septum pierced. dont tell my mom. shes not down with that shit. i like how it looks. but my nose is a lil sore now. im glad i got it done.

after, i went to randy's and showed him the music ive been making. chris was there too, and they seemed to enjoy my stuff. i asked randy to produce an ep for me, and he is willing to help. i am very excited. i trust him and his opinions and tastes in music. hopefully something good will come.

we then came back to my house (usual del barco household crowd) and hung out with rosie and arthur. arthur was trying to convince tammy to taze herself. it was funny. randy bough us green tea ice cream, and we were enjoying it. after mom and arhtur went to bed, we went into my room and listened to great tunes as we got a bit high. a great cozy night.

i guess its the little things that make me happy still.

its a good life.

-jcdelbarcoii

Here.Now.Over.Under.In.

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 03:33:54 GMT

My travels are done.
i am home.
ive only had 4 hours of sleep since paris' tuesday. my body is crushed, but my mind is burning.

it hasnt settled.

i like being with my family. seeing my friends. being back in this golden boring as shit town. its all great. i like that my cats are nice to.

im moving into the garage. its messy and being used for storage, but im not picky.

paris was nice. too nice. ask me about it. i wont say much more, i want to have some elements of mystery left in me. ill answer whatever you ask.

im here in the company of my family, my cats, and my closest friends. things will always be in there right place, no matter where i am. life is a good thing.

things are in a good place.

marshmallowey koala like... you know?

this is my last blog for this chapter. i dont have anything good to wrap this whole thing with... so just get me a drink and ask.

live well. see you often.

-jcdelbarcoii

The Smashing Pumpkins

Wed, 23 May 2007 10:54:38 GMT

The Smashing Pumkins
5/22/2007
Le Grand Rex, Paris, France.

A three hour set.

Incredible. So rock and roll. So incredible. So huge. One of the most nostalgic experiences of my life. All these old associations just came flooding into my mind. You just cut yourself off from alot of these things you know?

First time a concert actually moved me in a long time. I love concerts, but I just get numb to them after a while. I felt a little bit of magic in my fingertips, the hairs on my arms standing, the adrenal gland yelling at the rest of my body. There was an energy and a life that saturated the room with fervor. It was by far the loudest thing i have ever experienced in my life. the crowd yelled so loudly. The music was great.

Uncle Bryan, oh, you would be so proud. It's been a while since you have visited my mind because I've tried so desperately to shut you out. I couldnt stop thinking of those nights when I would learn a new pumkins song on the guitar to share with you just to impress you. I was just a kid, but I hung on every word of yours. It's past forgiving, its just a matter of missing now. You planted so many seeds. They growing.

Billy Corgan has a great pressence. It was just nice seeing some good 90's rock on stage. Just awesome guitars and drums and distortion and rock n roll. I almost forgot about it. Rock and Roll is so spread thin now, I think we have lost sight of what it really is. It was so vitalic. I loved it.

Pictures up at

http://chapman.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2035308&l=664a4&id=35801004

-jcdelbarcoii

When We Are Both Cats: The Sour and the Sweet

Mon, 21 May 2007 21:58:37 GMT

im in a weird place.
another grey place. the in between place. i cant tell if im sad because im leaving paris or if im excited to come home.

i cant tell anything right now. somethings make me really happy. somethings make me think too much.

i need to work the week i get back. make up all the money i spent here. i want to see you guys as soon as possible.

i had a really great weekend. birthdays, drinks, youth, connections... all that good bullshit. you know. its been fun... but fuck man. i think i need something to hold on too. just something little. i dont know. something permanent. im very adaptable. i like changes. i just need some little anchor so i can always find my way. maybe its just time to come home.

i really enjoy being around her. alot. i just dont know what to do in these situations. i dont know what any of it is. is it ok for me to plant seeds of hope? i dont like to count on anything, especially people... but its been nice... so maybe it can be nice. i just wish i wasn't so fucking timid about these things. i like connecting with people... it just gets funny sometimes. all that bullshit ya know?

smashing pumkinssssss tomorrow. whooo. philosophy midterm tomorrow. this is my last week of school. then... i dont know. there isnt anything in particular in the city i would like to see... ive seen alot... ive found alot. at this point, i just sort of want to sit and look at things. feel the breeze. little gay things like that ya? Im glad that the few people ive gotten close to here i can still talk to when I get home.
Connect: Benjamin, Alex, Kara, Thomas, and Michaela.

I dont think i will blog much more guys... my adventures are coming to an end... and my mind is left blank. I was hoping to answer a few questions here, but of course, life always backstabs you and throws a shitload more questions at you. This is what keeps things alive. life vs matter.

fuck... there is so much i need to get out... i just dont have the words to get it out. i miss certain nonverbal connections. some people you can just be around in silence. and they understand. there is so much being transmitted in the air. you just know. even if you arent engaged in each other's activities, just silently in a room, you just know. these connections are nice.
i have trouble liking relationships that depend so much on conversation. you can only say so much with words, and it seems too needy. i dont think these friendships last very long or go too deep. there is just so much more than words in the world. im sure you have all felt this. i like being able to be silent around people. but then some people dont get that youre just comfortable... they just think youre depressed. i dont think i get depressed. i think i just wander off... very far.

i wish i didnt think so much. life is always so much better when im stuck on the nice smells and the texture of the air. i could never let things be taken lightly.

abre los ojos.

-jcdelbarcoii

Seven Seconds Much Missed...

Sun, 13 May 2007 22:20:44 GMT

I've come to it.
Im homesick. I want to go home.

I miss those nights. Driving in my car alone, with my music blaring loud, putting new cigarette burns in my seat, the wind beating my face through the window.

i miss those nights when people would come over just to be in eachothers company.

i miss the smore station next to the fireplace.

i miss knowing audrey and mom and arthur are just a little bit away.

i miss seeing my dad.

i miss kathryn making me laugh.

i miss looking forward to when wes gets off work so we can go find something to do.

i miss knowing crystal and i had some adventure ahead of us that evening.

i miss chris having a genuine interest in what i had to say.

i miss kitty and runty fighting in the hallway late at night.

i miss knowing i can turn to thomas whenever i needed someone to hear about my sins.

i miss darren being metal, and me being a little bitch.

i miss friends knowing exactly what the look on my face means.

i miss the prescott family.

i miss the colors of my bedroom walls.

i miss knowing that there is some permanent aspect to my life.

i miss finding stores that sold lucky lights.

i miss my mother kindly letting my friends and i be young at my house.

i miss my dvd's.

i miss in n out.

most of all, i miss that view that sparked new life into me everytime i saw it. when i would be driving back from chapman. after i get off the 57s to the 10W, over the via verde hill, on a clear day, especially as the sun is setting, when i could see all of LA county, all the way to the skyline and the sea. just for about 7 seconds. that view was my welcome home everytime i saw it.

fuck. i miss everything.

this city is great, and the weather is great, and the colors and feelings are great, but it takes a toll on me when i know it is all a passing moment. i cant get too comforable here, just because i know i am leaving.

there are two things here that keep me from getting homesick:
booze and a girl.
i dont know if thats a good thing or not, but its just how it is. and i dont drink often anymore, so this feeling surfaces more and more. and the girl... im just scared to hope. but happy with the moments shared.

ive been content with my location, whereever that is. i am here now, ill be there then. it didnt matter before. today was odd. it all built up.
i stepped outside, and had a smoke, and listened to a few close songs on my ipod. i stared up at Orion, and remembered how I loved to stare at it back home when the LA air was clear enough to permit it.

i am here right now. i will be there then. either way i will be happy. right now... i just get kinda bored. i dont know. there are only so many things that can make happy for so long... but then you realize that in order to be truly content, you have to grow roots in that something. i hate passing feelings.

i feel like everything is just a passing thing. i dont know how i feel about it.

i wish i was asleep now.

-jcdelbarcoii

Fri, 11 May 2007 13:30:22 GMT

I've been feeling funny this week.

I feel like every aspect of my life is approaching the brim... about to overflow and explode... but in the most quiet sense. i cant tell if it is a good or a bad thing.

as quietly as possible, i am bursting.

im more aware of everything now more than ever before, but my eyes are getting tired, and i drift off alot.

i just have of so much that i want to do. and i want to do it soon. im going to start.

i really enjoy her company. i dont know what to make of it. time goes by so quickly, too quickly, when shes around. i try not to think about it too much. im cautious to some capacity. why? im not sure.

i dont feel like im searching for anything. all my life, life has been a constant struggle to find something, anything that provides...something, anything.

i feel like ive finally arrived, like im here. so the searching is finished.
what now?

am i at peace? i dont think so, there is a fire inside of me. a good fury.
the line between being at peace and slipping into stagnation is too fine. i think im too awake to let my life fall stagnant.

im filled to the brim. life. im bursting. blooming. what does tomorrow bring? again, a new sensation, but i dont know. its a raw sensation, and i thrive in it- i think.

may30th i return. did you guys forget about me? will i fit back in? do i have find a new place to fit in with you?

to vague rants to no end,
-jcdelbarcoii

Revolution, Riots, and Low.

Sun, 06 May 2007 22:44:12 GMT

Awesome fucking weekend.
Friday night ben and i met up with thomas at our canadian friend Richard's house. he had a fridge filled with shitty beer. we drank. michaela and celeste came by. it was fun.

saturday... Low was playing at cafe de la danse. thomas and i hung out out side for a little, and ran into the band. we talked with them for about 30 min, had some smokes, and they put us on the guestlist. thomas and i then got some beers and drank them in a park. classy. i went home and made a feast. i was quite hungry...

the show was incredible. i would describe it as Drawn Out... but in the most positive sense. it really milked each sound and expression. it was rich... yet empty. i liked it alot. we met more canadians.

this morning i went to a modern art museum... ran into the canadians. the weather was perfect... so i decided to walk across paris. halfways... i stoped at the steps of teh musee d'orsay and just started watching people. i felt great. so full of life. i started writing poems, journal questions, lyrics, and i started drawing things. i dont know. life feels so sharp and fluid. im so engaged. its great.

heres the real kicker.

Today was the French Presidental Election.

Sarkozy won :( he wants to make france like the states... i wanted Segolene Royal to win because i love socialism... and women. i think she could have brought alot to the table.

anyhoo. i met up with M.K. and celeste at the bastille where there were tons of angry sego supporters. we got a coffee. ben came and joined. people started burning things. people climed the historical monument in the center of the place de la bastille. people went wild. chanting. drums. fire. smoke. booze. it was amazing. alive. fervor. passion. anger. bond. unite.

everyone started running towards a groupe of something... so we joined in. shots were fired (rubber bullets) and everyone started running. it was great. we started to walk out of the crowd for safety, but were so interested. we heard more shots fired. tear gas. our eyes and noses and throats were set aflame. we placed our neck bandanas and scarves over our mouths and ran with the mass of young people. so fucking alive and exhilarating. the bastille, its a symbol of revolution. graffiti, fire, gas, bullets, crowds. fucking incredible.

we held hands and ran down the alley and over to slims bar. he wasnt letting anyone in cuz of the riots... but he and i have this thing goin... so we went into a nice peaceful environment. we spent a few hours talking. it was great.

when we went out, it still smelled like tear gas, and the metro home was gassy. my eyes hurt.

Le Sixieme Republic de la France est ne audjourd 'hui! Nique Sarkozy!

"Late Sunday, small bands of youths hurled stones and other objects at police at the Place de la Bastille in Paris. Some bared their backsides at riot officers behind their shields, and police fired volleys of tear gas. Two police unions said firebombs targeted schools and recreation centers in several towns in the Essonne region just south of Paris."
By ANGELA DOLAND, Associated Press Writer

For life, youth, liberty, revolution, love, anger, bonds, flesh, and s'mores!

-jcdelbarcoii

music by me

Thu, 03 May 2007 19:15:03 GMT

ive been making poor quality music on my spare time here in paris.

feel free to check it out!

read the bio on that myspace... its a disclaimer.

i want to make music when i get back home, so let me know if yorue interested.

-jcdelbarcoii

music on this myspace:

www.myspace.com/jcdelbarcoii

also stockholm pics at http://chapman.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2033715&l=b4563&id=35801004